I used to carry a shark tooth around with me everyday. In my pocket, on a chain, under the tongue of my shoe. This had its drawbacks; teeth would break, get lost, or worse stolen. I decided to eat a tooth, it would always be with me. I thought I was the smartest kid alive. It tasted like dust and gravel. My mind raced around the idea of this tooth giving me the strength of the oceans most feared. Every time my fist makes contact, no matter the situation, I have that taste from my gums to my gut. I love and hate the ocean.

One last post before 2009. I don’t really care how it sounds, or if it reads well. I would say, maybe I’m doing it because everyone else is, but the truth is I don’t know anybody else. It has been a long year, or years. I can’t really tell anymore. For some reason I cant remember how old I am, 24 or 25? That bothers me. It has bothered me since 2002. Maybe that is a coincidence, or a pattern. Probably not. New routines and new chemical releases for the next year to come, or at least a couple of days when everybody that I don’t know stops watching. It’s kinda of nice, new job and all to start the new year. I didn’t have time to dig my bat tunnel or get a cat, but I did get some things done throughout 2008. I wasn’t much of a help, but I want to believe I made some lives better and stopped at least somebody’s personal disaster. I was a teacher and a medication. I was a pain. I was brilliant. I was possibly the worst because I am the best. I had the laziest escape plan ever, and they still have my paperwork. I felt a ball of energy in my hand bigger then I ever thought possible. I was sick, broke, and ashamed. I was almost mexican. I found true hate, something I thought I buried forever. That last one has opened my eyes to what I am, and what I will never be. Fuck I hope the three people that read this don’t get this far, it’s embarrassing. So, next year I will be all these things again maybe. Either 25 or 26.

Okay, I don’t really own a owl. I would love to have the space to have one, but life isn’t all peaches and cream and harry potter shit. I know this. Owl, or not, I like december in Missouri. It’s full of horrible cold winds and nasty salt n’ slush streets, and sometimes we get lucky and have snow instead of ice. This is all worth it though. It’s worth it to be walking through the park and feel utterly terrified as myself, and the dog, jump from the blood curdling screams of the great horned owl getting his funk on. This makes my December, and sometimes even January if they stick around to get a few more pumps in. That’s right, it’s nasty.

Last night I painted a small wooden toolbox in the theme of The Nightmare Before Christmas, for someone else’s school project. The fact that there is a school that is assigning college students the project of building a a mini toolbox and decorating it for a grade is beyond me, but the fact that I sat there enjoying painting something really shitty-like sent me into some sort of mega-crushing haze of apathy for my trade. I felt like I was playing craft hour at my therapists office, which I fired and never replaced, and I was conjuring everything that represents “doom” in my dawdling life. No offense to those who enjoy their crafts, but man…fuck that. I now know I need to paint the biggest most impacting painting of my career before I become used to being a trade artist and not a visual storyteller. I need to exist again.

That’s right, I learned how to use words again. Hmm, imagine that.

So close to the finish line and I don’t even care anymore. Oh well, at least I’ll be close to the top of the standings.

So every other day or so I’ll remind myself that I’m a terrible person, a bad Buddhist, and a lazy piece of shit. It’s kinda like morning wood, or having it rain on your day off- clockwork. NO big deal. Most of the time I’ll have a mini argument with myself in my head; speaking of which- I always wondered what my face looked like during these spats. The thing I dwell on the most is the wanting. I always want more, not really a greed thing, but maybe the same. For some reason I feel like I am deserving, and that I must take so the world is balanced and some shit like that. I know that’s not how it works though, even needs can be restricted and slimmed down. Make any and every excuse you want, it wont change the way things really work out there. Blame and shame aren’t real, but diversions. It’s not always as easy as just growing up, and taking responsibility. Sometime it’s just about going without and dealing with it- without having to tell the world, or your mom or whatever. About now is where I realize I’m always going to be a student and it’s ok to make mistakes or be less then top of the class. Hard as it may be, nothings going to change except for change. Now, I can finally take a piss and brush  my teeth.

So looking at how long it has been, not to mention the demeanor of my last post, it’s been a weird season. That’s ok with me. Can’t really say much has changed- I keep pushing and pushing for what often feels like nothing. MAybe I’m juts bit too lazy, or a bit to hard on myself. Oh well….there is always 2008…er well…fuck.

What’s the fucking point. Not to get all teenage angst and all, but I really just feel like not doing anything for a while. Not being a painter, not struggling, not pushing for something that’s not there. So here goes….a big tuesday morning “fuck it”.

Doubt has infected me. There is no direct treatment, no known cure. Key elements are missing from my body and mind, a chemical unbalance. The disease has spread throughout my world, contaminating more and more of my everyday life. I have begun to doubt the very truth of myself- I feel like a lie. I have no problem with being a liar, but being a lie s a bit different. What do I really see?